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whoiam2u

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new blog [Aug. 7th, 2009|02:24 pm]
i don't really use livejournal anymore. I do however, have a new blog.
http://theominai.wordpress.com/
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a prayer [Mar. 26th, 2009|11:10 pm]
[mood | contemplative]

God,
words to comfort those who are hurting, to try and ease their pain are difficult to find. what to say to those who are going through unspeakable pain? How can can we help ease the pain that has no physical cause but is a result from a loss, from neglect, or from abuse?

How can we touch and mend the hearts that are breaking from grief? How do we achieve the delicate balance of allowing the person to grieve, mourn, be alone, while at the same time not abandon them to suffer through their pain alone?

God, so often we forget your words to carry the burdens of other people and we become so absorbed with our own lives and cares that when the time calls for us to wrap our arms around another, to help shoulder his grief, to wipe away her tears, we often run away scared and unsure of what to do.

How often in our daily lives, do we pass by those who are crying out, those who are grieving. "I'm too busy" we tell ourselves or "Ill help when I can" or "I better stay away because I will only make things worse..." become excuses that we use to distance ourselves from the pain others are experiencing. Maybe, if we pretend that nothing is wrong, maybe if we close our eyes to the grief of others-then the sorrow that comes with living in a broken world will magically disappear.

But God, even when we fail to comfort others, You do not. Even when we run AWAY from those who are mourning, you run TOWARDS them. Even when our words fail, you manage to heal in the silence.

God, most of all, you provide us with the love to share with those who are broken. You demand that each and every person, believer and unbeliever, alike LOVE one another. We may not know what to do but you do.

Listen to the prayers and cries of all those who have lost a loved one or who have suffered abuse. Listen to the pleas of those who are scared or stressed out. Be present to those who feel all alone.

sometimes, the only comfort we can give, to point those who are hurting to the One that can heal, comfort, and love perfectly and without fail.
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where has the christ in Christianity gone? [May. 19th, 2008|01:03 am]
“I’m right!”
“No I’m right”
“No, me! I’m right”

No, these are not children bickering but Christians of different denominations.
“No you can not believe in evolution and still be a Christian!” shouts one fundamentalist preacher.
“Evolution does not contradict the word of God!” someone shouts back.
“You are not really saved unless you speak in tongues, because speaking in tongues is evidence of one’s faith in God” shouts a stanch Pentecostal.
“No, speaking in tongues has passed away” shouts a Baptist.
“Those who are saved have been chosen by God before the beginning of time…” shouts a Calvinist.
“No, we all have free will to choose whether or not we are going to hell. God didn’t predestine any person to her fate. Her eternal fate rests on whether or not she accepted Jesus Christ as her savior” The Pentecostal shouts
“No it is not by faith alone one is saved, for the word of God says, ‘faith without works is dead” shouts another Christian.
“Everyone will be saved by the sacrifice of Jesus, not just a few!” cries the universalist
“Son of the devil!” The others shout back in unison before they return to tearing one another to pieces.
“The holy Catholic Church…” begins a Catholic priest but his words are drowned out by the others as they shout,
“anti-Christ”
“false prophet!”
“ok so first there is the rapture than the tribulation period…” begins one Christian
“No that’s not right1 First comes the tribulation period and then during that period Jesus will come and take his church away…” Counters another Christian


“…May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.” Jesus John 17:23 NLT

I think we Christians owe God and the world an apology. We claim to love our Lord Jesus Christ, and we claim to love non-Christians yet look how we treat one another. We call each other names, we condemn one another to hell, and some of us even shun other people who do not hold the same beliefs we do, now tell me is that what Jesus would do?
We claim to have the Word of God yet we have no qualms in changing it or in interpreting it the way we want. And if anyone expresses a different view point or opinion then the ones we harbor then obviously that person is the anti-Christ.
We claim to want nothing more than to please God and to ease the suffering of those in the world but when we see another person suffer we just walk on by. Sometimes we even cause the suffering.
Many of us claim to believe in free will, yet we have no qualms about trying to force our beliefs down other people’s throats. There is a difference between witnessing and trying to force one’s belief’s down another person’s throat.
We are quick to judge another person, yet when we personally do something wrong we say, “oh I’m just human.”
Yes I know that Christians make mistakes too. We are not perfect and if we were we wouldn’t need Jesus. We are not always going to see eye to eye or agree with one another, but if we allow those disagreements to separate us, if we allow those disagreements to keep us from living for God and helping alleviate the world’s suffering then we are not doing what Jesus’ commanded us. Christianity is not supposed to be a list of do or don’ts, Christianity is not supposed to be about a specific denomination. Christianity is supposed to be about Christ. Christianity is supposed to be about love. It’s funny but I have to ask, “Where is has the Christ in Christianity gone?”
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whirlwind week [May. 10th, 2008|12:38 am]
[music |miley cyrus/hannah montana]

This has been a whirlwind of a week. I honestly can not believe how fast it went. This has had to be one of the fastest weeks I have ever experienced, probably because I was both looking forward to it and dreading it. Friday may 9, was my last day of classes and today, Saturday may 10, is my prom. I honestly can not believe how fast these past four years have gone by! After four years my high school has become like my family-especially since it’s so small and since most of my family lives in another state. I wonder how people who’ve been to Moravian all their lives feel. Well one kid Carlos seems like he can’t wait to get out because he’s tired of seeing the same faces over and over again. But it’s crazy how fast these past four years have gone. I still can’t believe that classes are officially over. My mind hasn’t grasped that. It probably won’t grasp that until Monday since tonight is prom and Sunday I have to write two essays, but during senior assembly on Monday I think it’s going to hit me.
But this week has been really good. I brought a new camera on Sunday and have been using it to capture the memories. On Wednesday I went to New York City to watch all African American production of the Broadway play, A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. It had the actress who played Mrs. Huxable on the Cosby show. It was good. I was really depressed that day though. I felt so alone. And it was weird because the teacher who I had a crush on and his wife was there and I felt awkward and she totally looked over me one time because I was just so quiet. It was weird because I was afraid she might know I had a crush on her husband even though the crush doesn’t really mean anything, since I constantly have crushes on my teachers. Plus I have never even talked to her in my life. But when I saw her interact with the other students she seemed really nice and she has a really pretty voice. And she has blond hair and possibly blue eyes. I still have a thing for blonde hair and blue eyed people. Also on the fieldtrip as we entered the city we saw a guy who had been hit by a car sitting on the street, a cop standing over him, and the lady who had hit him crying and looking all worried. It was so weird because we were all just gawking. I found it weird but it also is human nature. There really wasn’t anything we could do. We just had to keep moving forward. And apparently my friend Lauren had seen someone get shot on that street where the guy was hit by a car. I couldn’t help but wonder how she must have felt about that, how she was dealing with that…I know that’s random.
Monday was the last after school “study” session I had with Mrs. Beckbriggs-she’s become like a friend to me- and Kristy. We had so much fun. We got pizza and took it back to school, we talked, we took pictures, and (or rather Kristy and I took pics.) It was fun. We ranted, we laughed. We listened to my favorite parody in the world, the parody to James’s Blunt’s “Beautiful” called, “She was beautiful…I swear.”
In Mr. Molloy’s class this week, we didn’t really do anything and by anything I mean really English-drama related. We watched the movie “six degrees of separation” but we mostly had a good time just talking. We talked about the meaning of life- Mr. Molloy doesn’t believe there really is one. We talked about sports. Today we talked about college. He was talking about one of his fav professors. And how he would get 200 hours of sleep a semester because he would stay up reading. He would re-read the books for each of his classes even if he had read them 20 times. Today two of the juniors Katie and Laurie brought cupcakes. I took pics, not of Mr. Molloy I was too much of a chicken. But Hilary did. I may ask her if I could steal them. But I did of course take pics of some of the students. We talked about our fears. Emily S said she was afraid of ending up alone and of getting “lost” emotionally.
Even though I may not remember what we specifically did, or what was specifically said, I think I will remember how I really loved the class and how the class made me feel. At the beginning of the year I was freaking out. I felt vulnerable not good enough, I still felt like that, but I also felt happy, and safe.
I’m crying now. It just hit me. I won’t have another day in Mr. Molloy’s drama class or in any other class. It hits me the most though in his class because I felt so safe there even though I was prettified of saying something stupid. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I had so much fun in there. Listening to others, getting to know other people, hearing Mr. Molloy’s stories and funny jokes. Marisa walking out on the class., Vishal’s priceless lines, “What’s better than one hot girl? Two hot girls. It’s simple math. Math never lies. ”
I’ll miss Caldwell’s history class, the movies and his ramblings and funny jokes. I’ll miss all of my classes. I’ll miss arguing with Sean in playwriting. And earlier this year, jazzierzing in gym class with Emily. Ugh. I can’t believe this year is over. But I know, there’s still more memories to be made with prom tomorrow and senior assembly and post term.

Friday night was awesome though. I definitely made some memories. I went to my friend Nallo’s party. She used to go to MA but she transferred in the middle of junior year. I had an amazing time. It was at a science center and we were able to play with all the cool things they had. There even was a sort of “petting zoo” except the animals were underwater sea creatures. I touched a weird animal but freaked out and I ended up getting water on my friend Rachel, she was so annoyed with me. I also hung out with people I haven’t really been able to hang out with, like Caity, Marisa-well we hung out in gym class but never outside of school and we had fun. I took so many pics. There was this station where we could pretend to be weather girls and would show up on a TV screen, Marisa and I had so much fun pretending to be weather girls and making fun of one another. Not even my mom’s dramatics before the party could ruin how I felt. I had so much fun. Even before the party, when my friend Lacy picked me up I had fun because I was able to rant with her and we talked. I also brought the Miley Cyrus CD, that may sound like it doesn’t belong in this paragraph but I brought it because today Emily S and Mo were listening and singing to her song, “see you again” and I got the song stuck in my head so I brought it. Now when I hear the song I will think of them and also lacy since we had so much fun singing along. It.

Well I had so much fun, but I know prom will be awesome. Especially since I will be hanging out with my best friend since I was like 12 or something. So I’m really excited.
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dracula-april 25, 2008 [Apr. 26th, 2008|12:05 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood | tired]

So tonight I went and saw my school’s production of Dracula, directed by one of my favorite teachers-Mr. Molloy and it was amazing! The whole cast and crew did a fantastic job-especially my friend Sean-with whom I get into an argument everyday in playwrigihing. He played an amazing Reinfield. The play was so interesting, and the performances were just awesome. I know I am repeating myself, but I loved it!
And today in general was an ok day. I stayed after school for the play and ended up hanging out with my best friend Sarah and some juniors and sophomores. So It was great not having to be alone. I mean I did still feel lonely because I didn’t always understand what they were saying or what they were talking about but I t was better than being locked inside of my room all day. I laughed a lot today though. Ian gutgold told a story about how his friend sage called him and Ian thought sage called him from her cell phone so he saved the number as ‘sage’s cell” on his phone and one day Ian decides to call her. When he does he just starts having a conversation with the person who picks up the phone. He doesn’t say his name and he doesn’t ask for sage he just says, “how are you doing?” and the person responds with “fine” and he proceeds to ask her if she wants to hang out and the girl says yes. and she asks him why did he call her and he said because he wanted to hang out. They say good bye and hang up. but then the phone rings and the girl asks, “who this is” and Ian says his name but she thinks it’s another ian and he says no and he asks if she was sage and they said now and then they apologize and hang up. I know you had to be there. But I don’t want to miss a single detail. I am afraid of that happening. I hate forgetting things-people, memories. It’s just I don’t like how days like that-the mundane days can disappear like that-just gone….
There was also the fair share of drama. Aaliyah and Sarah were annoyed because Caitlin and Lee went by themselves and hung out. But it was funny because later when aaliyah and Caitlin hung out together Caitlin and lee were annoyed. It was funny because Caitlin and lee would complain about how clickish aaliyah and Caitlin were acting and Sarah and I would look at each other and just laugh because the same was being said about them. We also had pizza ordered-finally after Sarah and I were like starving for hours because no one wanted to take us to get food. It was hilarious because when Caitlin got the call that the pizza was there, we 9sarah, lee, Caitlin, and I) and ran out of the school to get the pizza. By that time I had changed from my jeans and t-shirt to Sarah’s short black skirt, fishnet stockings, and “emo” shirt –since I wanted to go Goth to the opening night of Dracula- and I had a choker so it must have been quite a sight to see all of us including me in my Goth attire running out the door. Then I joked with the pizza guy and said, “you are feeding my soul.” We then all went and ate in the tennis courts and just laughed and had a good time. vishaal Ch. Joined us and it was funny because I would tell him to shut up because I would say something and he would always have to try and prove me wrong and it was just annoying. We all had a good time stuffing our faces and eating coke and having an all around good time.
There were still moments I felt incredibly lonely-especially during the play. I wanted so bad to be in the play-not really I guess to perform in front of another audience but more so for the rehearsals for the spending time with other people. I hate this because I feel so alone. I know so many people do-but it just annoys me because it seems like all my other friends at school have other people that they can rely on too help take some of their loneliness away at least some of the time and I feel like I have no one. I am constantly left out of conversations or only talked to when no one else is around. I am constantly left out because I don’t have all the memories that the other students seem to have with one another. It seems like they all have funny stories to tell since freshman year and all these awesome memories. I mean I am getting better, especially this year about hanging out with other people. especially sine I left my church. It was annoying because of their “us versus them” attitude that non-Christians can’t really be good friends but the truth is a lot of Christians aren’t really good friends either. We are all just human and trying to find our place in this crazy mixed up world-but with that being said I can’t still help but feel angry and alone. I didn’t really like to think or even hear about Dracula rehearsals. I hated it when Mr. Molloy and Emily and Marisa would bring it up during class because I wasn’t a part of that. There they were sharing memories-being a part of something that I could never be a part of. I know they are all lonely and have their insecurities-Marisa cried in class today when Mr. molloy complimented Emily on her performance last year and didn’t compliment her. to tell you the truth I was a little annoyed because Marisa should know she’s a great actress, I would kill to be able to perform like that in front of others without being a freaking chicken but I can also relate to her since I have the tendency to blow up at people.
Speaking of blowing up at people, today Jr- Sarah’s “boyfriend” wrote on my facebook wall complaining about how I should stop writing in all caps since what I write on her wall can be read by everyone else. so I flipped out at him and wrote back to him telling him not to tell me what I should do on facebook, if Sarah had a problem she should tell me herself, he didn’t have to read what I wrote to Sarah-it was just amusing-especially since I took it so serious. Like usual.
Well this has been long enough and full of details about “meaningless’ events. I just hate forgetting days and events…
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I'm back! [Jan. 26th, 2008|12:22 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |my room]

So today I attended my first open mic night ever at my high school and it was pretty cool. My favorite part was when my two friends went up and did some improvisation work-one portraying the person I have a crush on and my other friend portraying a fellow student. It was just so funny and amusing. I loved being able to watch others perform. Some acts were not perfect, some students let nerves get the best of them, or forgot some of the words to their song, but there is something to be said about having the guts to stand up and perform in front of others and to keep on going even if a mistake is made. I can tell you right now that if I were up there and I made a mistake I would probably have walked off…just because I’m weird like that.
But the show didn’t start till 7: 00 P.M. and school ended at 3:15 so I had to spend hours in school but I had a great time. For the first hour and a half I finished some homework then I hanged out with my “girlfriend” and some of my other friends. We had an amazing time laughing and joking. I remember hanging out with one of my friends in the bathroom and we took pics of each other standing next to the mirror or doing stupid and crazy things. One time my friend dropped her phone and she fell with it. We were in hysterics! And one of my friends brought her boyfriend, and so we are all hanging around talking and laughing, when I can not remember why, but I decide to take off my skirt. I did have pants underneath the skirt but I guess my friend's boyfriend didn’t know that so when I got up and started taking off my skirt he says in this surprised voice, “what are you doing?’ it was so funny. I can not even describe the look on his voice or his tone of voice. His eyes just lit up in shock. Me and my “girlfriend” laughed about it for quite awhile.
After open mic me and some other seniors went out to this ice cream place called The Cup. I was graciously invited by my friend el gato, which was awesome. When we got there we ordered ice cream and sat or stood around this one tiny table and it was just a fun time. I stayed quiet but I loved listening to everyone else talk. I didn’t always understand what they were saying or who they were talking about but it was still cool. I for one didn’t feel so alone.
Today was an awesome day, I know I said that so many times but it really was. I didn’t feel so alone today. I felt connected to others. And for some reason today, during open mic, I started to think that the loneliness that I often feel burdened by is experienced by many of my friends at school, even when they hang out with each other.. And it’s so weird because I think about how all of us are encountering the same type of loneliness, yet the fact that we are going through a similar experience does NOT bring us closer together. I think it’s because we are all so afraid of letting go and letting others in and allowing others to let go. We just stay wrapped up in our own little world and we don’t really let others into it. Or sometimes we just hurt each other so much that we cause others to be afraid to let go. I know that’s what happened in my case. I have been hurt so many times by my family that many times I feel like I c not trust anybody, I mean if the people who were supposed to love me left me and hurt me, how can I expect others not to the same? It’s hard because that thinking just isolates me and causes me to feel even more pain. But I fear getting hurt and being abandoned and alone so I push others away and end up feeling pain, abandoned, and alone. It doesn’t make sense. I have even been distancing myself from God which has hurt me the most. I don’t think many people understand what it is like to feel so close to God and then to just not be able to feel Him at all. I’ve just been so scared to really trust Him and let go. I still have a lot of trust issues and perfectionist issues, but I am trying to let go.
Drama Honors is going a lot better. I still haven’t really spoken but I am learning to relax. My teacher is so extremely funny and so is the rest of the class. I think I’ll talk about drama honors and playwriting tomorrow…this entry is already long enough!
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pain and suffering [Oct. 29th, 2007|09:47 pm]
Pain, suffering, devastation. You don’t need to be a licensed counselor to recognize that there many people in this world that are in physical, emotional, and mental distress. You don’t need to be an expert on world events to know that there are millions of people world wide who are suffering from cancer, aids, depression, war, abuse, etc. The cries of the suffering can be heard from every corner of the world. Maybe you are one of the people who are crying out, maybe not physically, maybe you are not literally screaming out loud, but on the inside you are screaming to be heard. On the inside you are broken and hurting. No one seems to understand what you are going through. Your friends are unwilling to or can not understand all the anguish you are feeling. Your parents may not understand you or maybe they are the cause of your pain. Maybe they yell at you or curse you out or are too busy to spend any time with you. School or work can drag you down. You feel as if you go to work or go to school for nothing. Sure you go to work to survive or you go to school so you can go to college and make something out of your life, but still there is this emptiness that is constantly nagging at you.
You might feel powerless to help a friend who is sick, being abused, or throwing their life away. You watch the news and are sickened by all the pain and violence in the world that you cry out, “God where are you?” Or maybe you don’t even call out to God anymore. Maybe you are convinced that there is no God. That there can not be a loving God who could permit such suffering. But I want you to know that God is there. Maybe you can’t feel him, Maybe you’ve been screaming so loudly (inside) and for so long that you can’t hear His still small voice calling out to you. Maybe you felt his presence at one time, but He seems to have left you, to have abandoned you. But even if you feel like that, God is still by your side, God is still with you. I know those may seem like empty, hallow words. But I’ve been there. I may not have gone through your exact situation but I have been through moments where I could barely get up in the morning. I have gone through moments where I wondered if anybody cared whether I lived or died. I have gone through moments where I have felt completely shut off from God’s love. And I have even doubted whether or not God existed. But remember feelings are not always accurate. I know you’ve all had those moments where you’ve felt you did horrible or great on a test only to get the test back and find that you did the exact opposite of how you felt. Likewise, sometimes we feel completely abandoned only to find that is not the case.
The Bible talks about Mary and Martha who lost their brother Lazarus. They had asked Jesus to come and heal him, but when Jesus arrives he arrives seemingly too late. Martha and Mary, at different times tell Jesus, “Lord if only you had been here my brother would not have died.” How many times do we tell God, “God if only you had been there my friend wouldn’t have died. If only you had been there this never would have happened.” But Jesus performs a miracle right in front of the eyes of Mary and Martha. He tells Lazarus to come out of the tomb! And Lazarus does. Can you imagine the shock and happiness Mary and Martha must have felt?
Now I am not saying that God is going to perform a supernatural miracle in your life, he may not heal you from an illness, he probably won’t resurrect someone you loved back from the dead. But that’s because God cares more about giving you inner healing. Jesus resurrected Lazarus as a fulfillment of prophecy so that when it was His turn to be resurrected that his disciples and others would remember all the miracles that He had done. And God wants to heal your heart so that you can know and understand that He is the Son of God and he cares for you. Trust me, I’m not trying to shove my beliefs down anybody’s throat, but I do want you all to know that there is Someone out there who cares and loves you and is waiting for you to turn to Him.
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falling apart [Aug. 4th, 2007|10:39 pm]
She lies down on her bed, looking towards the ceiling wondering why she is suddenly gripped by this gnawing sadness that rips away at her heart. The sadness that never seems to leave… she can be talking to someone on the phone, writing to someone on myspace, or laughing when all of a sudden she is gripped by this terrible sadness that brings her crashing to her knees and leaves her breathless. “What have I done wrong?” She often asks God and herself. She can’t seem to understand where all this pain is coming from, where this terrible loneliness stems from. She tries to focus on God, yet He feels so far away. He seems distant and uncaring. She knows the Bible says otherwise but that does nothing to chase away the gnawing emptiness that threatens too overtake her. She tries to reach out to others but she feels a wall separating her from other people. Her heart is locked and no matter how hard she tries, no matter what she tells herself her heart refuses to become unlocked. She pulls and tugs at the lock in a desperate attempt to let her heart roam free but every time she tries that horrible sadness chains her down and tightens the lock around her heart…she desperately prays that God will help free her soul… She turns to the “church” for help but instead of receiving comfort and encouragement she receives condemnation and judgment.
“you haven’t really given you heart to Jesus” she is told as she knows within her mind and heart a that she loves Jesus with all her heart and soul. She is told that a true Christian wouldn’t feel that way since the joy of God would envelope her and prevent her from feeling such sadness… as those words wash over her she feels herself falling deeper and deeper into a hole which in her mind leads her farther and farther away from God and from other people.
No matter what she does or how hard she tries the sadness follows her like a lion stalking its prey. She tries everything within her power to defeat this unseen enemy but each day she fights she feels herself grow weaker and weaker.. She is told that she needs to hand over all her problems and emotions to God but the lock within her heart refuses to budge even as she wants desperately to unlock it and give all her problems to God. She feels herself getting weaker and feels the locks around her heart tighten with the passing of each day. Each day the temptation to give up to end her life threatens to overwhelm her.

“I’m falling apart. I’m barely breathing. With a broken heart, that’s still beating.” She sings as the tears fall down her check as she continues to stare at the ceiling but as she sings she feels power rise up in her, she feels the locks around her heart loosen as she cries out to God and tells him, “I’m hanging on, just to see what you will throw my way. And I’m hanging on to the words you say. You said that I will be ok.” She still feels the sadness gnawing at her heart but she also feels something else raising up from the ashes of her brokenness, “faith”
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I thought I would try something new with this blog, I really didn’t know how to start it so I thought about creating a mini story. I struggle with deep depression that makes it very hard for me to function. I sometimes feel completely alienated from everyone else and especially from God. I feel as if my heart is locked because I don’t want to deal with anymore pain. I have spent years locking my heart and Jesus unlocked it when I first accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, however, over the past year I have slowly locked my heart and I seem helpless to stop myself. I feel myself isolating myself even when I don’t want too.
Some days are worse then others, I can barely get up in the morning. But even when I want to give up I find meaning in His name. I find meaning in the name of Jesus. Even as I feel that I am dying I still feel the assurance, however slight that I am alive. Sometimes it takes all the strength I have to hang on another day and believe that everything will be ok, but I am beginning to realize that even though I am barely holding on to God, he is holding on to me. I am beginning to realize that as I fall apart He is there to pick up all my broken piece. I am beginning o realize that as my heart breaks He is there to fix it. This is probably no where near one of my best blogs but that is because I have tried with words to describe something that can only be felt but I pray that even though these words don’t come close to expressing how I feel that it helps someone else know that they are not the only ones falling apart. That they are not the only ones with a broken heart. That there are others who are struggling through each day. I want to help get rid of the guilt that Christians feel because they’ve been made to feel as if they are failures if they feel depressed. I want them to know that no matter how weak their hold on God is, God is holding on to them tightly. I want people who aren’t Christians to know that Christians also go through feelings of loneliness and depression and often fear like they are falling apart. But Christians realize SOMEONE is there to pick them up and I want people who aren’t Christians to realize that too. To all who feel like they are falling apart please keep holding on.

I leave with some Lyrics from lifehouse’s “storm”

“I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall… I know everything will be alright. I know everything is all right.”
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meaning of life... [Jul. 26th, 2007|09:37 pm]
“So I became greater than all who had lived in Jerusalem before me, and my wisdom never failed me. Anything I wanted I would take. I denied myself no please. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless, like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.” Ecclesiastes 2:9-11

“What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? Does anything I do matter?” I often ask myself those questions on numerous occasions and I am sure that almost every person on earth at one time or another has asked themselves those same questions. I often feel frustrated as I look around at all the suffering that fills this world. Like King Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 4:1: “I saw the tears of the oppressed with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power and their victims are helpless.” As I gaze upon the suffering of others, I seriously begin to question if anything in this life has any meaning at all. So many senseless tragedies seem to be occurring everyday. A meaningless war in Iraq continues to take the lives of soldiers and civilians even as we speak. People are being brutally murdered everyday because people can’t seem to see the value in their own lives and in the lives of other people. Teens and elderly people are committing suicide everyday because they feel as if all hope is lost, as if things will never get better. Teens slice their wrists, legs, shoulders in order to try and take away the numbness and pain they feel inside of their own hearts.
Why does all this occur? Is there any meaning to life? Why are we here? Why? Why? Why? Seems to be the question that man kind is doomed to ask. We are not the first generation to be asking “why.” King Solomon, who wrote the book of Ecclesiastes around the year 935 B.C struggled with the “why” questions of life. He was incredibly rich and intelligent; in fact he was the wisest king on earth! Yet he still searched for the meaning in his life. He tried to answer all his “why” questions by attaining even more wisdom. Sound familiar? In today’s society teachers and other educators are attempting to try and answer the “why” questions with an intellectual answer, an answer that often leaves God out of the equation. But many bright and intelligent people are committing suicide. Why would such bright and intelligent people be committing suicide, if intelligence alone answered the “why” questions of life? Because as Solomon realized in his search for wisdom, “the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.” 1:18. How can knowledge increase sorrow? Don’t you think it would eliminate it? Wisdom doesn’t eliminate sorrow because a person who is constantly studying, analyzing, truly sees all the pain and suffering in the world and realizes that no matter what they do it all seems to be meaningless. I love to analyze and study people, events, and history. But as I study more, as I learn more I become more aware of all the senseless suffering that goes on in the world. Instead of being set free, I often feel trapped and helpless.
Solomon, seeing that wisdom didn’t answer all his “why” questions then turned to pleasure and possessions. He built himself large palaces and had, if I’m not mistake hundreds of concubines. (Which are women with whom he had sex with but who weren’t his wife.) But he was still not happy. He still could not find any meaning to his life. Doesn’t that also sound familiar? Just look at American society and other societies throughout the world. We spend hundreds of dollars on a phone; we spend hundreds of dollars on video games, in order to hide the emptiness we feel in our life. Of course I know that some people buy video games and phones just because it makes life easier and helps past the time, but it seems as if a lot of people vainly grab onto games and other material things in order to add meaning to their life. They feel that if they have the most stuff, they will be the most liked and envied and that being envied and liked are the most important things in life. Well Solomon was extremely wealthy and probably extremely envied by other kings, but he still felt as if he life had no meaning.
So many people are just living meaningless lives because they feel as if their life is meaningless. But I want to remind everyone that YOUR LIFE IS NOT MEANINGLESS! YOU WERE CREATED FOR A PURPOSE. Jesus loves you and you can find peace and meaning through Him. I know I have. I still sometimes struggle with depression and I still sometimes question God and ask, “why” but then he reminds me that I am here because He loves me. I am here to worship Him and bring Him glory by helping others.
None of us can escape death. Martin Luther king jr. once said, “no man is free if he fears death. But the minute you conquer the fear of death at that moment you are free…I SUBMIT TO YOU THAT IF A MAN HASN’T DISCOVERED SOMETHING THAT HE WILL DIE FOR, HE ISN’T FIT TO LIVE.” Have you discovered something that you would be willing to die for, how about have you discovered something that you are willing to life for? I know WHO I’m living for and why, how about you?
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what is right and what is easy [Jul. 15th, 2007|04:16 pm]
“Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. But remember this: you have friends here. You’re not a lone.” Dumblodore in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

We all have been given a gift by God: our life. You may be thinking, “A gift? You call my life a gift? Naiomi, you have no idea what I have been through. You have no idea all the pain and suffering that I have lived through. If you’d been through what I have, you would think life is more of a curse than a gift.” You’re right, I may not know what your particular situation is, I may not be able to fully understand all the pain and suffering you are going through but I know Someone who can and does understand pain and understands what you are going through.. “Oh here it goes.” You may be thinking, “Here Naiomi goes again trying to convince me that God exists. Trying to force me into believing what she believes.” No, I’m not writing to try and force anyone to believe what I believe but I am sick and tired of watching people-whether they are my closet friends or perfect strangers-waste their lives away. I am tired of seeing people with so much potential who could really make a difference in this world be consumed by so much pain and suffering they don’t know where to turn. I’m tired of seeing people suffer needlessly and other people just watching them suffer, ignoring their cries for help. I don’t want to force anyone to believe what I believe but I do want people to know that there is Someone who sees all of your suffering and hurts for you. I want people to understand; I mean really understand all the power they truly hold in their hands in regards to their life. I want people to really understand that they are loved. They are NOT and were NOT a mistake. Even if their parents tell them they were a mistake, I want them to know that God has a plan for them. In His eyes their birth wasn’t a mistake, He wasn’t caught by surprise. I want people to understand that when they feel all alone and when they feel that their closet friends just don’t get them, that Jesus understands completely all the pain and suffering they are going through. He was whipped, He was beaten, He was spit on, He was treated like dirt and He was betrayed by his disciples. Not just by Judas who turned Him into the Pharisees but each and every one of his disciples fled at the moment when Jesus needed them the most. Jesus knows what it feels like to be rejected; Jesus knows what it feels like to be shut completely off from God. Jesus knows all this. In fact since the beginning Jesus knew what He had to do. Jesus knew that He was going to have to suffer an incredible amount of pain. Jesus knew that “dark and difficult times” laid ahead for Him but He still refused to give up and choose the easy way out. He still chose to walk the path of Calvary not because it was easy but because it was the right thing to do.
ALL of us either have been through dark and difficult moments in our life or will be going through them soon. All of us will face moments of utter helplessness and despair. All of us will face trials and tribulations that will seen impossible to bear but the trials and sufferings and dark times we go through aren’t as important as how we deal with those trials and sufferings and dark times. We can choose to turn all the negative things in our life and turn into a positive. Jesus turned what people consider to be the ultimate punishment, the ultimate torture-his death-into a giant victory when he resurrected. He turned his horrible sufferings into acts of love and compassion. We may not face crucifixion but each of us faces the choice of what we want to do with our life. We can stubbornly decide to live life on our own, without God and completely for ourselves, we can chose to let our past define out future and we can chose to label ourselves as victims. That is the easy path. Or we can surrender ourselves to God, we can stop trying to live life on our own terms and for ourselves, we can chose to not let our past define us. We can choose not to become victims but to become heroes. That is the right choice.
The right path is can be a very frightening path to walk on. We will face resistance from those who want to take the easy path; we will face opposition from those whom we consider to be our best and closest friends. We may face struggles from our own family. But making the right choice will give you the opportunity to lead a meaningful life. The right path is not an easy path but is filled with hardships and difficulties and you may feel alone as you travel it but remember you are not alone. You have Jesus walking right beside you and the knowledge that others have treaded the path before you and have made a difference and that even though you can’t always see them; there are others right alongside you walking through the “right path”
It’s your life. It’s your decision. God won’t force you to choose the right path and I won’t either. But ask yourself this, in what direction do you want your life to turn? Deep down in your heart do you want to live a meaningful life or do you want to just focus on yourself and let life destroy you? If you’re honest with yourself you won’t need anyone to tell you which path to take, because in your heart you already know.
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My child [Jul. 4th, 2007|10:42 pm]
My Child,
I know you believe I ‘m not listening to your cries for help. I know you believe that I can’t see the tears that you cry. I know you believe that all hope is gone and that your life will never get better. I know you believe that I will never forgive your for what you have done and I know you believe that I am punishing you by ignoring your prayers. I know that you believe that no one cares about you. I know that your family and friends have turned their back on you and you think that I have done the same.
I know you believe that your life is over and that things will never change. I can read your thoughts and I know that you are thinking that suicide is the only way out. I see how you try to fill the emptiness in your soul by drinking, partying, and smoking pot. I see you after you do all that drinking, go to all those parties, and smoke all that pot. I see how you are left emptier than before. No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you look you can’t seem to fill the emptiness in your soul. You can’t seem to find that one person who will love you no matter what.
But I am here to let you know that you have been looking in all the wrong places for love. You have been doing all the wrong things, talking to all the wrong people in your quest for acceptance and meaning. You have ignored the only one that loves you no matter what you do; you have pushed to the side the only one that will never leave you. You are running away from the only one that can give you meaning to your life. You think that by running away from me that you are free, but you don’t realize that by running away from me that you are a slave. You are slave to what others think and how they treat you. You are a slave to you desires. You go from one person to another hoping that the next person you meet will be the one to never leave you. Yet you hide inside of yourself. You are afraid to let others into your heart, you are afraid to let ME into your heart because of all that you have been through.
But my child, what you don’t realize is that someone does love you. You don’t seem to realize that I love you. You claim that you don’t believe in my existence, you claim that you can’t believe in my existence but if that is true why do you cry out to the heavens wondering if I’m there? If you don’t believe I exist why do you cry out to me in your room and beg me to do something in your life?
What you don’t realize is that I do want to do something with your life, I want to use you, I want to heal you but you are the one who is preventing me from doing so. You snap at me, say you don’t believe me because I have left you alone but I was not the one who left you. I am always here. You are the one who has turned your back on me. You are the one who ignores my cries for you to turn to me.
You claim that I don’t understand what you are going through. You claim I don’t understand all the pain you are going through but my child you are the one who doesn’t seem to understand. You don’t seem to understand all the pain I went through so that you would never be alone. I was mocked, I was beaten, I was whipped, My beloved disciples deserted me when I needed them the most and you say I don’t understand what you are going through. I love you. I was crucified for you. I suffered in agony for you and you don’t seem to understand that I would do it all again, I would suffer through all the pain and hurt and humiliation again if I had to, just for you.
I do understand what you are going though. I listen to your prayers. It is you who doesn’t understand and it is you who does not listen. I want to help you, but ask yourself, do you really want my help? Or do you want to live life your own way and you just want me to make sure everything goes smoothly as you ignore and disobey me? I love you so much and it hurts to see you suffer but I love you too much to force my will on you and to force my help on you if you don’t want it. The decision on how to live your life is yours, it always has been. I love you and always will
The one who died and resurrected for you,
Jesus
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love is dead [Jun. 26th, 2007|05:24 pm]
What exactly does commitment mean and does it still exists today? I mean look at the divorce rates, look at all the mothers abandoning their kids, spouses cheating, teachers abusing students. There has always been violence and hate in this world and unfortunately the violence and hatred are not getting any better as civilization progresses and technology advances. In fact I may argue that violence and hatred is more abundant the ever. Does commitment still exist? Does love still exist? When I speak of love I’m not talking about that feeling of butterflies in ones stomach or the love that one feels they are supposed to have, like love for ones family and friends for example. I’m talking about devotion, commitment based love. Does that kind of love still exist? Or is all love based on certain conditions. I will only love you if you do this or that for me? Does that kind of sacrificial love, the love that says, “even if you don’t love me back, even if it hurts I will love you to the end and do what is best for you.” Is that possible? Some point to a mothers’ love as being unconditional but unfortunately that is not true for all. So many children are being abused by their parents whether father or mother. A countless number of children are being abandoned and put in last place while the parents go off and fulfill their own desires. Well what about dating relationships? Marriage? Surely sacrificial love can be found there. Regrettably our society is so full of selfishness and greed that many times when two people enter marriage they only think about what the other person can do for them instead of what they can do for the other person. They each have a set of expectations they expect their spouse to fulfill and when they don’t divorce seems like a reasonable option. And what about the “explanation” that many parents give their children when they are about to embark on a divorce? “Honey we just don’t love each other like we used to anymore.” Or they tell friends; “I used to love him or her” Love is in the past tense. As quickly as people “fall” in love they “fall” out of it.
A few days ago someone once told me they don’t believe in love or marriage anymore. That made me very sad. Sad that this culture breeds people who are so young and so full of life who have given up on love and in many cases who don’t even know what love is. Just look at what we call entertainment. Shows and movies full of violence which degrades human life and sex (the kind of sex without commitment) which degrades the body. Sex without love, unfortunately not uncommon I society. The people we look up to, the celebrities go from on relationship to another. No one seems to care too much when a celebrity leaves their wife or husband for another person. In fact it is almost expected. Is it any wonder why teenagers feel so empty and oppressed? is it any wonder that teens look to drugs and sex for fulfillment? Is it any wonder so many teens commit suicide?
The situation seems pretty hopeless. The world seems a loveless place. Is there any true, sacrificial, love left in the world. Yes and the answer is in Christ. Many people are like, “If that is true why do people who call themselves Christian kill or hurt others in the name of Christ?” The answer is that they may not have the love of Christ in them. Not everyone who says, “lord, Lord’ will not enter the kingdom of heaven likewise not everyone who says I love Jesus truly does. But Jesus does love each and every person. No matter what they have done. Jesus was willing to die a horrible death so we wouldn’t have to. he was willing to face separation from God so we wouldn’t have to. You may find it hard to believe, You may have so many questions and being a Christian dosen’t mean you forfeit your right to think. In fact when You come to Christ things you never before seen or heard of are reveled to you. Scales fall from your eyes and your heart. Even when you are going through a tremendous trial you are able to smile and say, “God will help me through this” and not just say it but believe it too! He is the ultimate definition of sacrificial love. He loves you no matter what you have done. Hey God used Paul who tortured and murdered anyone who confessed to serve Christ and if God can love him and use him, God can use you and me. Your father and your mother may forsake you but the Lord your father will always be by your side!

Isaiah 53: 1-9 (NLT) “Who has believed our message?
To whom has the LORD revealed his powerful arm?
2 My servant grew up in the LORD’s presence like a tender green shoot,
like a root in dry ground.
There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
nothing to attract us to him.
3 He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.
4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
it was our sorrows[a] that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
a punishment for his own sins!
5 But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the LORD laid on him
the sins of us all.
7 He was oppressed and treated harshly,
yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
he did not open his mouth.
8 Unjustly condemned,
he was led away.[b]
No one cared that he died without descendants,
that his life was cut short in midstream.[c]
But he was struck down
for the rebellion of my people.
9 He had done no wrong
and had never deceived anyone.
But he was buried like a criminal;
he was put in a rich man’s grave.”
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be who you are not who others want you to be [Jun. 23rd, 2007|03:00 pm]
No body’s perfect. Least of all me. I’m selfish, I’m defensive, I struggle with depression and anxiety, I have a temper. Me, perfect? Far from it. Some times my imperfections further my depression. I feel as if I drive others way because everything that is wrong with me. I begin to question how anyone could love me, knowing all of my flaws. I feel as if everyone is judging me all of the time. It’s a very painful way to live. It’s hard feeling as if you have to hide part of who you are or you won’t be loved. Its hard feeling a if you have to change everything about you so you can be liked. But as I sit here writing this I want to say, “no more” No more trying to hide who I am for fear I won’t be liked. No more worrying about whether I shouldn’t write about a certain topic on my blog because some people will be offended. No more having to hide my pain from EVERYONE because I feel they won’t care. Yeah I know I can’t go overboard and start you know allowing my emotions and my tempers to get the best of me, but hiding them isn’t do me any good either.
I feel as a society that we are all pressured to hide. To hide who we are and what we think. Don’t get me wrong sometimes that’s a good thing. For example, if you think your boss is a jerk it’s probably not a good idea to tell them that to his or her face that is if you want to keep your job. But I think there’s something wrong if we feel we have to hide who we are from our family and our closet friends. I think there’s something wrong if we have to hide who we are from our family and closet friends for fear that they may talk junk about us behind our back. I think there’s something wrong when we have to hide what we are going through from our family and closet friends because they won’t care or they will just put you down. I personally believe that family is more than blood. That just because you’re related to someone, that in my opinion doesn’t make you family, it just makes you related to someone. God created family so they would be little Minnie versions of his love for us. Yeah of course no family is perfect. Families are made up of imperfect people so of course there are going to arguments but if a family truly loves each other, they won’t let anything get in the way of that love. They will accept the other members of their families just as they are with flaws and even help each other overcome their flaws. Sometimes your friends are your family and that’s fine but the same rule applies.
I’m not perfect. I have a temper, I can be defensive and of course that may turn some people off. But when you raise your hand to judge me think about your own faults. When you dismiss somebody because of all their weaknesses remember that you are also losing out on getting to know their good parts and because you chose to dismiss somebody the loss may be yours not the other person’s.
I’m not perfect, I have a temper, I can be selfish but you know what? I can also be compassionate and kind. And love me or not, I know Someone who loves me for all my faults and weaknesses and his name is Jesus and he loves you for who you are too. No need to hide from him.
So you guys can take the good with the bad in regards to me and other people or not have me at all. But the loss will be yours not mine.

“A person with a changed heart seeks praise from God not from people.” Romans 2:29
Let’s all stop looking to our sides for acceptance and look to Christ.
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i'm better than you and this is why [Jun. 19th, 2007|12:16 am]
“I’m better than you are.” Sounds like a really childish thing to say but unfortunately as people grow older they only learn more sophisticated ways of waving about their superiority I go to a private school and the competition there at times can be so suffocating. I look all around me and I see students who are my age but are already college level classes. I see students who have traveled all over the world while the farthest I have ever gone is to Puerto Rico when I was 12 and my grandparents kept me and my mom locked in her house so we didn’t even get to enjoy the views. I see students my age who are taking so many AP classes that they might as well just skip ahead to college. Everywhere I turn I am faced with other students who seem to be better at everything.
Ever since I arrived at my school I always wondered if I belonged. Even now as I enter my senior year of high school I still wonder if I belong at that school. I feel so completely stupid and unprepared for college sometimes. Some kids complain that they ALMOST got a perfect SAT score instead of a PERFECT SAT score. Some kids have accomplished like over 200 hours of community service hours, while taking AP classes, while taking dance or piano lessons, while preparing for the SAT’s by taking $1000 classes and I feel so out of place. I feel so inadequate. Sometimes, I feel so stupid and lazy compared to everyone else. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. How many of you feel as if someone else may be a better mom or dad? That someone else is a better singer?
As humans we always seem to compare ourselves to other people. Sometimes we do that so that we can pat ourselves on the back and be like, “oh I’m doing so much better than this person” or “no matter how many bad things I’ve done, this person has done worse.” Other times we feel so bad about ourselves that we compare ourselves to others and only bring about condemnation upon ourselves. It’s hard not to compare ourselves to others. Unfortunately it’s part of human nature and sometimes I bring that attitude into my walk with God. Sometimes I allow pride to get in the way and say things like, “oh look at the person is not doing this or that in their walk with God while I am” but most of the time when I compare myself to others I think, “oh look at this person. They go to church X times a week while I only go to church Y times a week.” Or “wow this person seems to be really close to God. They must dedicate so much time to Him while I’m so lazy and alone spend this much time.” But all this comparing is so stupid. Especially since in God’s eyes our works is not what saves us or makes us right before His eyes.
Romans 3:27-28 says, “Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith. 28 So we are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law.”
Sometimes as humans we forget that in the end it is only God whom we have to please. We forget that no matter how many good works we do or don’t do that God already paid the ultimate price so that we can be made right before his sight. His Son Jesus died for all of our sins and the only thing we have to do is accept Jesus’ sacrifice and believe that He died for our sins and confess them before the Lord. That’s it. God wants to be your best friend not your task master. Let’s remember that we don’t have to try and make God loves us by our actions because He already does.
Romans 3:23-26 “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, 26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.”
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life and death [Jun. 15th, 2007|12:44 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | contemplative]

I’m scared. I’m not going to hide it or deny it. My uncle died and of course my mom took it especially hard. Tomorrow my grandma is coming in from Puerto Rico to attend the funeral that will be held sometime next week. And I’m scared. I didn’t really know my uncle at all but I can only imagine the pain and heartache that my mother and grandmother are going through. I can’t relate to the pain they feel. Any words, any actions seem insignificant. What words of comfort do you give to someone you love after they lost someone they loved without sounding patronizing? What must be going through their mind? My mom’s brother was only a year older than her. Can you imagine losing a family member who is only a year older then you for unknown reasons? What do you say to someone who has experienced that? How do you react? As I sit hear writing this in addition to having those questions run through my mind I also begin to think about the life of my friends and family members. I am beginning to remember my school friends telling me about how they narrowly escaped car accidents that could have cost them their life. I think of a student at my school whose older brother was found dead in college for unknown reasons. I think about times my own mother became sick and could have died. I think about my older sister telling me about two years ago about a teacher friend who just suddenly died. I think about the time when I was younger when I dashed across the street in Puerto Rico and almost got hit by a car. I think about Maddie and all the little girls who have been kidnapped and murdered. I think about my former chaplain telling me about how his father suddenly past away and he was devastated. And I also think about all the stories we read in history class about women who lost children and husbands due to the harsh elements of their environment. I think about the war in Iraq where thousands of husbands, mothers, sons, and daughters have been killed. I think, “When will my time be up? When will the time of my friends and family be up?”
For the most part I can’t control when my time will be up or when it’s time for my friends and family to go. I mean sure I can eat healthier, look both ways when crossing the street, wear my seat belt but the fact remains I’m still going to die one day. You’re still going to die one day. The question isn’t “what can I do to live longer?” the question is “what will I do today that will be meaningful, even if I never see tomorrow? Will I run and hide and hope to never get hurt? Or will I take risks?” I’m tired of running and hiding. I’m tired of letting emotions such as anger and unforgiveness grasp my heart. I’m tired of wasting my days watching TV and not doing anything useful. I want my life to be meaningful. I want God to use me for His glory. I’m tired of living for myself. But my question for all of you, whoever is reading this, “What are you living for?” is you living for the future? Are you living in the past? Are you partying everyday and taking drugs in an effort to give your life meaning? Or are you doing something to give your life meaning? Are you just hoping that there is a God? Or are you actively seeking Him out? Are you just wanting for him to suddenly appear? All of our days our numbered and we can’t always control when our number is up. But we can control how we live each day. How will you spend your life?

James 4:13-14 “Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” 14 How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.”
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spiderman and inner demons (spoiler alert) [Jun. 3rd, 2007|11:47 pm]
Hate, anger, and revenge. Most of us can relate to experiencing those emotions at one point or another. And if you haven’t experienced those emotions yet you probably will sometime in your life. But those emotions can be incredibly destructive and can end up in lost relationships and even lost lives.
I saw Spider Man 3 tonight with a group of friends and I must admit that towards the end of the movie I started crying. But I didn’t cry because Eddie (the photographer) or Harry died, but I cried about what their deaths symbolized, especially in my life.
This weekend had to be one of the best weekends I’ve had in a really long time. I got to hang out with my friends Becky, Laura, Jess, and Molly as well as meet some new friends. I was able to have deep meaningful conversations with Jess, who I hadn’t seen in a year, I got to see my friend Becky graduate and end one chapter of her life as she awaits to begin the next chapter in her life. I met some new people who I otherwise probably would have never met before. But despite all the fun I was having, a feeling of deep anger and resentment was brewing within my heart along with a mixture of jealousy as I saw how close everyone seemed to be. I would sit in the movie theater on Friday (which is when I saw Pirates of the Caribbean three for the first time and today (when I saw Pirates for the second time and Spiderman three for the first time) and I saw how some of my friends held hands and would laugh and turn to each other during certain parts of the movie and I felt my blood boil. I was so jealous and so angry. I thought about how I felt as if my family had abandoned me and left me to fend for myself while I was younger, and now as I grow older I feel as if they are trying to take control of my life. Like all of a sudden they want to be involved in my life even though they weren’t or couldn’t be there when I was younger. I thought about how I feel as if my mom tries to control and manipulate me. I thought about how lonely and how much of an outsider I felt at school and at church. My anger was reaching the boiling point tonight. I totally related to the black spider’s feelings of anger and revenge. Even as he acted as a jerk and hurt other people. In my head I thought about scenarios of me becoming just an angry and hateful person. I imagined someone asking me what happened to the old me (similar to what MJ asked peter) and I would say, “She committed suicide. Would you like me to join her?” even as I write that now I realize how angry and hateful it sounds. I became angrier as the movie went on because I felt left out. But towards the end of the movie I started crying. Peter/Spiderman tried to save Eddie from the evil black parasite thingies that fostered through aggression but when peter threw like this bomb thingy at it Eddie jumped towards the black thingy because he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t let go of his anger. He couldn’t let go of the pseudo power that anger and aggression and revenge bring. (I say pseudo power because when you are dealing with emotions as strong as anger, revenge, hate, etc you don’t control them, they control you, if you let them) and I thought about how Peter’s anger almost cost him his relationship with Mary J and how Eddie’s anger and Peter’s anger cost Harry his life. I thought about how I was letting my anger control me and that a lot of meaningful relationships could be ruined if I didn’t get a grip on myself. I thought about how my anger was poisoning my relationship with my family and friends and how if I let it, my anger could cause irreparable damage. I have allowed my anger and I have allowed sin to take over my mind and heart. I was becoming a really angry and hateful person.
At the end of the movie Peter Parker talked about how it is up to each and every one of us to decide what path we want to chose in our life. We can choose the path of revenge and anger or we can choose to raise above it. We each have choices to make and those choices are ours alone.
As I write this I think about how my mom’s choice to hold anger and resentment towards my dad for cheating on her has cost her a relationship with her children. Her anger and hatred towards my dad has stunted her. She complains, and she tries to control people only to drive them further away. Her anger has poisoned her mind and heart causing her to not be able to be there for her children when they needed her. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to waste my life being angry at my family and risk losing them and my friends. I don’t want to hurt other people like I have been hurt. When you let revenge, hatred, jealously, and anger into your mind and your heart you forfeit control of you life. You become no better than the one who hurt you.
Another quick note, during the movie peter tells his aunt how he hurt MJ and he doesn’t know what to do and she says something really powerful. (It’s common sense but humans have been known to lack common sense before) she said, “you have to begin by doing the hardest thing. You have to forgive yourself.” It is important for all of us to remember that even if we have allowed anger and all those strong emotions to control our life and we hurt people as a result we need to forgive ourselves before we ask forgiveness from anyone else. Even if we ask forgiveness from God we still need to be able to forgive ourselves because if we can’t forgive ourselves we won’t be able to work to correct our mistakes. Will other people always forgive us? No, but that’s when they will have to make the decision about whether they want to allow hate and unforgiveness to take over their life.
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why? [May. 31st, 2007|05:48 pm]
Why do we humans blame God when things go wrong when most of the time we are the ones who dig ourselves into a deep hole we can’t get of?
Why do we get mad at God during the hard times but don’t give him thanks during the good times?
Why do we get angry when God tells us through His word what we have to do, but then when something happens in our life that is hurtful we want God to suddenly intervene?
Why do we keep forgetting that our actions, our decisions they are ours not God’s?
We chose how we act and react in certain situations.
We choose to be victims and to stay down.
Not everything bad that happens in our life is our fault. I know that. I know a lot of people are suffering not because of anything they have done. But we are the only ones that can look deep within ourselves and decide whether what we are going though is because of what we have said or done or whether it’s because of actions beyond our control. No one else can tell us for us. Even when other people cause us pain, don’t blame God for their actions.
Life isn’t a game. God isn’t a game. You either want to serve him or you want to live life your own way. You can’t have it both ways.
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hope [Apr. 27th, 2007|08:31 pm]
[Current Location |my room]

“Do not be afraid for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you for I am the Lord your God.” Isaiah 1-3
Life is full of suffering. We have all known moments of suffering, no matter how old or young we are. One does not have to look far to see all the suffering that this world goes through, one does not even have to turn on TV to see all the pain and violence that fills our life, many times all one has to do is walk through their neighborhoods or look back at their own lives to see how unfair life can be. Sometimes it can be hard to keep fighting and to keep going forward. Some time’s it’s hard to see the beauty in life when it feels like our family or friends are to busy with their own lives to care or when it seems as if everyone we know and love seems to be leaving. It gets hard to look at the world and realize that we can’t help everyone, that we can’t stop everyone’s suffering; sometimes it feels like we can’t even stop our own suffering. Sometimes we may feel as if God has forgotten all about us because of all the suffering and pain we going through, whether we suffering physically, mentally or spiritually. Yet God tells us in His Word, that when we are in pain, when we are suffering, that He is right beside us holding us in his hands and loving us. The same promise that god gave to Joshua He has given to each and everyone of us as well. “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you, nor FORSAKE YOU.” (1:5) Joshua faced an incredibly challenge. He had to lead the people of Israel into the promised land. A land that he and the people of Israel would have to fight their way in. God knew that the task before Joshua was daunting and wouldn’t be easy. God knew that Joshua would have to suffer greatly in order to accomplish his task, but God was not going to leave him alone. He would protect them and fight for them. And just as God was with Joshua and the people of Israel every step of the way until they reached the promised land, God is with each and everyone of us every step of the way, guiding us until we reach our promised land, the kingdom of heaven.
God has not left us nor forsaken us and He never will. No matter what problem or challenge we may face. The whole world could turn their back against us, but God will still be there with us, holding our hand and never letting us go. We could turn our backs on Him and say, that we don’t want to serve Him anymore but God would still be there waiting for us to return.
The book of Daniel tells the story of three young men who were thrown into a firey furnace because they refused to worship a statue of the king. But as the king and his officials watched, they were shocked to see that the three men were not alone.
“Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisers, “didn’t we tie up three men and throw them into the furnace?”
“yes your majesty, we certainly did.” They replied.
“look!” Nebuchadnezzar shouted. “I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a son of the gods”
Jesus, the king of kings and the Lord of lords did not leave the men alone. In fact he joined them in the fiery furnace and protected them. He did not leave them to suffer alone. He does not leave any of us to suffer alone. And He does not take pleasure in seeing His children suffer. In fact it breaks His heart to see His children suffer and cry. But if it hurts him so to see us suffer, why does he allow it to happen? That question of “why’ why does God allow this to happen, why doesn’t God do this, why me?” has plagued man kind probably since the beginning of time. And when we are passing through the fire, when we are passing through the deep waters it seems as If God is playing a cruel joke on us and on those we love. But we have to remember that God is a cruel, unjust task master who has no idea what we are going through. God knows what suffering is like. When he died on the cross for us, He suffered. He felt what it was like to be separated from God. The gospels record Jesus’ plea of, “my God, my God why have you forsaken me?” He felt the pain of being completely alone so we wouldn’t have to face the same fate. Isaiah 53 tells us all that Jesus went through. “He was despised and rejected-a man of sorrows acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried, it was our sorrows that weighed him down. We thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! He was whipped so we could be healed.” But the beautiful thing, is that even though Jesus suffered, the story doesn’t end there. Three days after he was crucified, he resurrected. He came back to life. And the same thing is true for us. When we are in the midst of hard time it’s hard for us to remember that the pain and suffering we feel will not last forever. God does bring healing to our souls whether it’s in this life or even in the next. Just as Jesus resurrected and defeated death, God will rise us up and give us the strength to defeat whatever challenge may come out way. Let’s hold on to what the Bible says in Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
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I'm begining to realize [Apr. 23rd, 2007|03:12 pm]
[Current Location |school]
[mood | tired]

that when you fall and chose to stay down for a long period of time, it gets harder and harder to get back up again. and when and if you decide to get back up again, you will be faced with so many opposing forces that want to keep you down. In short: when you fall get back up as soon as you can because the longer you stay down the harder it is to get back up.
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toll rises to 32 [Apr. 16th, 2007|01:59 pm]

BLACKSBURG, Va. —  At least 32 people are confirmed dead and at least another 21 are wounded after a shooting at Virginia Tech University Monday morning, law enforcement officials told FOX News.

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